*Disclaimer* All of the views involved with this piece are completely in-sync with the views that Not Drugs represents. If you’re offended…well, then you’ve probably been offended before while visiting this site. And if f you have been offended then you probably wouldn’t visit here again. 1 + 1 = You’re gonna enjoy this.
8:00pm- Sorry, missed the intro package, the Nets seemed to be turning the game around but then decided to…not? Well, whatever the case, Lady Gaga is performing. I hate her.
8:01 – Holy Jesus, she looks like what would be birthed from Poison Ivy from George Clooney’s Batman and a high school linebacker’s statutory rape affair.
8:02 – Oh, there’s like a storyline to this performance? Elton John? Wait, what? Is this Elton John’s way of saying, “This Gaga thing was probably my fault. I don’t know why, but I mean, come on, I probably should apologize anyway, someone needs to take the blame.”
8:05 – Also, haven’t we played the Elton John card already?
8:06 – Sorry, changed to the Nets. They’re down by 7, 4 minutes to go. And Jarvis Hayes makes the shot (the Nets are looking to their best shooter! — check my pre-Grammy post to understand that tidbit).
8:07 – Back to the Grammy’s. Colbert’s doin’ his thang.
8:09 - I don’t know who Susan Boyle is? Should I? Everyone else does? I don’t think I’m missing anything. This monologue was pretty weak…just like the iPad will be.
8:10 – First award – best song…Maxwell’s nominated? Why do you even put him in the category with Gaga, Beyoncé and Taylor Swift (like he has a chance).
8:12 – Fuck Beyoncé. Yeah, take the sentence however you want. It’s probably still right. As much as everyone loves “Single Ladies,” that’s how much I hate it.
8:13 - Jennifer Lopez talking about Green Day is great. She has no idea about anything she’s talking about. Does she know no one cares about her anymore?
8:15 – Goddamn it. What happened to Dookie. I’m gonna put this on mute and listen to “She” on repeat until this bullshit is over.
8:18 – Side note, there are 23 seconds left, The Nets are down by 3. Dammit all. Sorry for anyone really reading this for my expert opinions on the Grammys, but that’ll have to wait.
8:21 – What. The. Fuck. Two games in a row they give the ball to Jarvis Hayes to try and win it (oh, I forgot, The Czar says he’s our best shooter. Best shooter!??!? Fuck that foreshadowing!). Goddamn.
8:23 – Alright, the Nets lost, back to the Grammys. Bon Jovi’s playing the Grammys? And it’s a voting process to see what they play first? This is not helping my anger problems right now.
8:24 – If there’s a country album called Twang, shouldn’t that automatically win best country album?
8:25 - If Taylor Swift is going to act this surprised with all of her wins, this show may take a while.
8:27 – Here comes Beyoncé. She needs to get past this Sasha Fierce phase of her life.
8:30 – Beyoncé X Alanis? This hurts. (Side note: @AndySwift would like to remind the world that Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know” was, in fact, written about Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey) from “Full House.”– I did remember, but thanks.)
8:32 – Back to Sasha. I don’t understand what Beyoncé’s trying to do. I don’t/didn’t see the bridge with these two songs. STOP CLAPPING!!!
8:33 - I just heard T-Pain, Jamie Foxxxxxxxx and Slash will be performing together. I’m terrified, and also embarrassed. Yes, Slash, the embarrassment reaches this far.
8:38 – I might have completely blanked on this earlier, but why is American Idiot a Broadway show? Holy God. Anyway, Seal is on…why isn’t he performing “Kiss from a Rose”? Greatest song of my childhood. That’s all I want, someone give up their Grammy spot for Seal to perform “Kiss from a Rose”. Nope, instead I get Pink. Dammit.
8:41 – I don’t know if this is arousing or not? Does that automatically make it not? You’re messing with my hormones Pink. Dammit! (Side note: Can we keep a running count of how many “Dammits” come out of this piece? I’m probably at 23 by now, and we’re 43 minutes in.)
8:43 – This performance reminds me of a figure skating routine. The music, the “dancing”, the outfit. I guess the winter Olympics are even getting into the Grammys this year.
8:45 – Why isn’t Keith Urban drunk? Why am I not drunk? This would probably be a lot better of a diary.
8:46 – Almost missed the next award – best new artist. Have no idea who’s gonna win. It obviously has to be the country guys. Zac Brown Band? I like their style, so they’ll win because of that. I’m okay with that (I mean, they were up against like MGMT and The Ting Tings, so I’m not drowned in sorrow or anything).
8:48 – Side Note: I don’t even think they’ll air the hip hop awards. Actually, I know they won’t (at least not all of them). They definitely won’t air it if Q-Tip/Mos Def/Common win, because, I mean, who wants to see that?
8:53 – Miley Cyrus = Olsen twin; that appearance proved it.
8:54 – Why are the Black Eyed Peas considered good? This performance sucks beyond balls. And speaking of balls (yes, I purposely used balls in the prior sentence for this lead in), my renaissance man of a former neighbor sent me a video of Hercules being performed in an Opera in a different language. Literally, no relation to this or anything you could possibly think of, but it’s better than this performance, and there’s full frontal male nudity…yes!!
It’s from 2006, quite scandalous for today’s modern “etiquette.”
8:55 - My brother just screamed from the other room (he’s watching the same thing on a non-digital TV, so everything happens on that TV faster than the one I’m watching it on…really annoying) asking if I liked this song.
Me: “No, this is terrible.”
Brother: “Yeah I know. But I thought you might like this.”
Ugh, I was really trying to not bring out the definitely-loves-Black-Eyed-Peas-music inner me out into public. Dammit.
Dammit all.
8:57 - Robots? Why are these people still performing? No talent is being emitted. Zero. Holy crap this is terrible. And Fergie isn’t even dressed like a slut, so there’s no point in watching this. Back to Hercules.
9:04 – Grammys are back. Jonas Brothers are on. Country music performance. Zoning back out.
9:07 – Juanes? I thought he went out like Rickey Martin (is that a two-way simile…hmmmm)? Guess not. They air best comedy album? Ah, that means Stephen Colbert wins this. If they’re airing this, and not best rap album, I’ll slaughter Uncle Fester. (That’s an inside joke, so for the maniac Addams Family fans who just jumped out of their seats, you can sit back down now.)
9:10 – Colbert wins a Grammy and his speech sucked, expecting more. ENTERTAIN ME CLOWN!
9:16 – Where did Norah Jones go? But now that she’s back, can she send Ringo to wherever she came back from?
9:17 - Record of the year? Kings of Leon? Even Norah and Ringo were surprised. As much as I like Kings of Leon, is as much as I wish this song was better. But thank god those other bitches stayed seated. (Side note: I would be plastered at any award show that I ever attended because of some nomination. PLASTERED.)
9:19 – Robert Downey Jr. just quieted the crowd by using so many words that 97% of the crowd didn’t understand. And to go to the complete opposite extreme, here’s Jamie Foxxxxx and T-Pain with “Blame It On The Alcohol”. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010 Grammys!!!!
9:21 – I have one beer in my fridge. This song made me go get it. Is that ironic? Or just an obvious sign of how much I hate this song? Or love this song? Dammit all. (Side note: When did we start cheering for T-Pain appearances? His appearance automatically means the song is going to a stereotypical, auto-tuned piece of crap.)
9:23 – So three people just joined the Foxxxx and the Pain: a sub-par beatboxer, a fat femle midget and then Slash. The embarrassment grew 40 million times over. Dammit Slash, you better be so blackout that you don’t remember this.
9:25 - So I finally see what Justin Bieber looks like (Guess which one’s him), and I got to see him stand next to Ke$ha, one god-awful female to look at. Can’t wait to see what Bon Jovi Plays!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dammit all. (Side note: I really should have developed a Grammy drinking game before I stupidly decided to write this stone sober. Key words: Taylor Swift, Lady GaGa, Beyoncé, “I’d Like to Thank God”, “I’m so surprised/shocked to win”…I’ll think of more.)
9:31 – Alice Cooper’s on. Best rock album. No one under 45/isn’t Green Day is allowed to win (Rock Album rule). Guess what. Green Day won. I just made that a drinking game rule (“Billy Joe talks through his nose, take a shot.”)
9:34 – The Zac Brown Band is doing “America The Beautiful”. So far, best performance of the night. It might be that they’re still wearing the same thing they wore before (A+ outfits). They just brought out Leon Russell (who?), but it just got a million times better. (He has a beard that I want when I’m 82.) Game. Set. Match. Best performance of the night, and the performance hasn’t really started.
9:37 – Best new artist? Well-deserved Zac Brown Band. Oh, and you have a fiddle player in your band? Can we give them just plain best artist? We can’t? Well, you’re the best artist in my book. (By the way, no one reads that book, sorry.)
9:44 - Drinking Game Rule: “If Ryan Seacrest makes you think you’re watching American Idol, take 2 shots.” And he just introduced Taylor Swift, make that 3.
9:46 – Stevie Nicks joined Taylor Swift. Just stop singing Taylor. Stevie has just ended your career – I could only hope.
9:48 - Does she sing “Party in the U.S.A.”? Do I have my teen stars mixed up? Does it matter? Answer: Not in the slightest. PARTY IN THE U.S.A.!
9:51 – Lionel Richie! Dancing on the Ceiling!?!?! Why do you tease me, Lionel? Why?
9:52 – MJ tribute? I smell it. Where’s Usher?
9:53 – My TV is telling me to put on my 3-D glasses. Did I miss the memo about having a pair handy? I am thoroughly confused, and the now off-color images aren’t helping the confusion.
9:54 – Celine and Usher duet? My eyes hurt, and I don’t know if it’s the 3-D imaging without the 3-D glasses causing it. Were Celine and MJ close? How about Carrie Underwood, was she invited to the Ranch? (Side note: New drinking game rule. “Any awkward multi-generation musical performance, drink.” I started this rule now, because if I started it any earlier, we’d all be blackout.)
9:55 – Smokey’s now on stage, and I just saw a glimpse of Free Willy on the background screens. Fantastic.
9:57 – If Usher doesn’t Moonwalk I’ll be severely upset.
9:58 – Seeing celebrities wearing 3-D glasses is worth sitting through this weird mesh of musicians singing with MJ’s voice floating around intermittently.
9:59 – Excellent, I thought Lionel left, but he’s presenting a lifetime achievement to…umm…someone who isn’t living. And having Michael’s kids accept the award…awkward as hell.
10:09 – Sorry, had to drain the lizard. But I see Bon Jovi is rockin’ hard. Is this supposed to be the equivalent of Springstein playing the Super Bowl for the first time last year? If so, this sucks. Who is this woman he brought out? She’s got that Celine Dion upper body bop goin’ on (I tried to find a video of this but failed miserably; I just couldn’t go through anymore Celine videos) but kinda looks like Cameron Diaz in real tight leather. She could be anywhere from 28-45 years old and I wouldn’t be surprised. (Side Note: Is it sad that Bon Jovi is the side note of this piece? Nah, not really).
10:13 - The fans voted, and you’re hearing it FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER AT THE GRAMMYS… “Livin’ on a Prayer”. This is when all the MILFs come out. (Side Note: That’s how you find all the MILFs, play any Bon Jovi song on a Saturday night at a bar, and they come out of the woodworks).
10:15 – Mos Def is presenting an award with an Italian Opera singer (Placido Domingo?). Whomever grouped these two together, I applaud you (granted any artist would be fantastic with Mos Def). I’m sure Mos and him are goin’ out after to throw a few back at some classy Italian restaurant. Man, if I ever get to hang out with Mos Def, I’ll know the next day would be the last day on Earth for me.
10:16 – They’re presenting the rap/sung collab award. If The Lonely Islands win with Mos Def presenting, I’m breaking both of my legs so I can’t get up and kill one of my family members.
10:17 – Jay-z won for “Run This Town”. I can deal with that.
10:23 – Wyclef. He was my hero when I was 10. The Carnival was one of the dopest albums ever. He has completely an utterly gone head over heels downhill since then. This monologue is an example. But let’s hope Mary J. Blige and Andrea Bocelli make up for it (how can they not?).
10:26 – “Bridge Over Troubled Water” in Italian. Gorgeous. Now Mary’s turn. This is fantastic.
10:29 – Mary and Bocelli. Awesome. I edge them slightly over Zac Brown, but the amount of facial hair between those guys during that performance almost gave them the ‘W’.
10:36 – I found out that no other hip hop category will be aired on TV (guess they were allowed to give Jay-Z a little bit of air time, but too much. That’s a no-no). My predictions were pretty much all off (except for the televised rap/sung collab award). Here are the winners:
Best Rap Album – Eminem Relapse
Best Rap Song – Jay-Z “Run This Town”
Best Rap Solo – Jay Z “D.O.A.”
Best Duo – Em, Fiddy, Dre “Crack a Bottle”
Best Urban/Alt - India.Arie “Pearls” (I didn’t mention this in my pre-grammys post, but The Foreign Exchange was nominated in this category…dammit all.)
10:38 - Some old dude was just talking about things that I didn’t care about. Now Adam Sandler is on trying to make jokes. Very tired act. Dave Matthews is now preforming. Yawn.
10:41 - There is some enormous fellow in the back of this performance (I think he’s a trumpet player). Definitely not what his parents thought he’d end up as.
10:44 – Dave Matthews is dancing around like a fool. That large black man should put down his trumpet and beat him, or just beat him with the trumpet; his choice I guess.
10:45 - Did I not mention before that Rickey Martin was out of the limelight? Sadly mistaken. He’s presenting some very non-important award that’s gonna go to one of the females who performed tonight. Beyonce wins, but who would have been terribly surprised if any of the others won (Side Note: Beyonce is wearing a dress that has been put together by recently discovered buried treasure. Sad thing is that it could easily be true).
10:53 – Ladies love Cool J. Is that still applicable? We should get a poll going. Maxwell is gonna perform. This dude is worth the listen.
10:57 – He just brought out Roberta Flack. How much better did Maxwell get? A million times.
10:59 – Alright, top 3 performance. Nice job guys. Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite, In Memorium. How much of a crowd killer is this? And now Jeff Bridges gets the nod to pay tribute to Les Paul (obvious choice, I mean, The Dude probably loved Les Paul). Oh wait, Jeff Beck just came on, makes a little bit more sense.
11:01 – This is a pretty slick performance. Real nice colors (yeah, I noticed the colors, my college degree did teach me something). The female vocalist isn’t bad (looking) and the drummer is lovin’ life. That was kinda nice.
11:08 – It sucks when you’re watching something that you know is only going to get worse, but you’re watching it anyway for absolutely no reason (I mean, this definitely doesn’t apply to me because I’m watching this for you, and I love you). I know which awards are coming up, and I know who is performing, and I’m not looking forward to either. I now remember why I stopped watching these things.
11:10 – The big Q(uentin Tarantino) is gonna introduce the “Forever” crew (and he sounds like he’s straight outta Compton). This should be a great performance. They start with Lil Wayne’s “Drop the World”. Eminem walks out on stage and comes in with his verse. I hate that his talent is wasted on this song (and the song to come). Travis Barker is barely playing the drums in the back (why is he here again?). Drake’s out. “Forever” is gonna start. Why isn’t Kanye there? (808s wasn’t nominated so you’re a little pissed and you won’t perform? Oh okay).
11:17 - Eminem’s verse is like 400 times better than all the others combined. I don’t understand any of this performance (Side note: Did anyone tell these guys they couldn’t curse on national telelvision? No?). God that was terrible.
11:23 - John Legend and Carlos Santana are presenting album of the year (why aren’t these two providing something to be nominated? Can we correct this next year?) All these nominees are so terrible. And Taylor Swift wins. Like it matters.
The Real Album of the year? Try these guys.
Yeah. They were robbed. I guess we can hope for next year? Right?
Dammit all.
(P.S. Dammit count was at 13 by the end of this piece. So I guess that’s 14).
Dwb.
